One More Try
by Hot Donna
Summary: This is a one parter. But it's sad. It's PJ. I love PJ. Takes place sometime around the episode 416Mind Games. It's from Pacey's POV. It's about when she lied to Dawson about having sex with Pacey. My summaries suck


Author's Notes: I don't know how to make my stuff in italics. I tried that i blah /i crap, but the shit didn't work. If you wanna tell me how to do it, then email me at I Cost 2 Much 4U@aol.com and tell me how, then I'll post this over, but until then, ya'll get the bootleg version.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters and the song do not belong to me. The characters belong to Paul Stupin and Kevin Williamson, right? And the song belongs to George Michael.  
  
One More Try 1/1  
  
I know she probably doesn't love me like she says she does. I'm probably just another hurdle in the inevitable reunion of Dawson and Joey. I mean, they are soul mates. They do love each other endlessly right? I don't know why she's doing this to me. I mean, damn. I actually really love her. And sometimes, it feels like I can see the love in her eyes. It looks as if it's directed to me. But then I remember, this is just a game she plays. She probably just doesn't want to be alone.   
  
~I've had enough of danger   
  
And people on the streets   
  
I'm looking out for angels   
  
Just trying to find some peace~   
  
Tears are in her eyes now. Yeah, that's what I said. She's crying. For me. Because I refuse to be a pawn. I refuse to let her use me this way. I don't want to be toyed with. I'm not some kind of useless object that she can just hold onto when she and Dawson hit a bump in the road. I refuse to be that person. Damn it, why does she have to make me feel this way? Why do I feel sorry for her? Shit, she's putting me through this for her own benefit. What kind of person does this to someone? I can't believe she's telling me she loves me. I can't help but doubt her. Why wouldn't I?   
  
~Now I think it's time   
  
That you let me know   
  
So if you love me   
  
Say you love me   
  
If you don't just let me go…~  
  
"Pacey, please." She begs, making my heart wrench with unbearable pain. So maybe she does feel something for me, but it's nothing like what she feels for Dawson. And I can't keep coming second to him. I want to come first. Hell, I deserve that much. She claims that I'm her one true love. She claims that she loves me like she loves no other, but I'm not so sure. I mean, why would I believe that? Why would I think that she wants me? I have no reason to believe it.   
  
~'Cos teacher   
  
There are things   
  
That I don't want to learn   
  
Oh the last one I had   
  
Made me cry~  
  
"I can't keep doing this." I force out of my mouth loud enough for her to hear. I look away from her eyes though. I don't think I can look her directly in her eyes and deny her. It would be hard for me. It wouldn't be right. I'm hurting myself so much. I know that she comes before me in my life though, I've always known that, but I don't like living like that knowing that I don't come first for her. I want to come first for her. Just once.   
  
~So I don't want to learn to   
  
Hold you, touch you   
  
Think that you're mine   
  
Because it ain't no joy   
  
For an uptown boy   
  
Whose teacher has told him   
  
Goodbye~   
  
I accidentally glance at her face and see the tears falling rapidly. Her breathing is erratic, it's like she's panting to stay alive. And me, I can't take it. I know that she's in pain and I know that I can heal her pain, even if it is for just a temporary amount of time. I can still heal her for the time being. And I love doing that. It makes me feel worth something. I only feel worth something when I'm with her anyway. When I'm holding her close, whispering in her ear how much I truly love her. I guess that proves that she's my worth.   
  
~When you were just a stranger   
  
And I was at your feet   
  
I didn't feel the danger   
  
Now I feel the heat   
  
That look in your eyes   
  
Telling me no~   
  
My hand goes up without control and brushes the tears from her face. My thumb begins stroking her sorrows away. I love that I can do that to her. Sometimes. She loves it when I do that to her. Her breathing is beginning to even out and I can't help but pull her close to me. The coldness has fled now as her warm being is pressed up against me. It's like wrapping heaven in your arms, tightening your grasp on it, telling it that you're never letting it go. She's my heaven among many other things. That's why I have to hold her like this. Heaven is precious.   
  
And then she buries her head in the crook of my neck, telling me how sorry she is. Telling me that she never meant to lie to him about us. Telling me that she never meant to hurt us. It's funny how all of our problems are usually revolving around Dawson. Even something as personal and sacred as sex. Is this the way our life will always be?   
  
And then she tells me those words. The ones that she can control me with. She puts her lips next to my ear, her steamy breath massaging my lobe. "I love you so much." I think I may have melted. I usually melt when she says that.   
  
~So you think that you love me   
  
Know that you need me   
  
I wrote this song   
  
I know it's wrong   
  
Just let me go…~   
  
Dawson has something to do with this. That's what keeps running in and out of my mind. She lets him partake in what we have. I don't want to accept that. I can't. He can't control us. He can't get mad if me and the love of my life have sex. And why did she lie to him? She was considering his feelings first. What about him? He didn't consider her feelings when he tried to make her chose. Yeah, she told me all about how he told her to come to me, and that stings my heart every time I think about it, but Dawson only told her to come to me because it was making him miserable that she wasn't happy with him. He was considering himself only. Just like Dawson always does.   
  
Doesn't she see by now? He knows that he has power and he uses it. She has to be stronger than that. She has to let him know that he can't continue to rule our lives. Because I'll call it quits if he starts doing it that way. I swear, if she let's Dawson jeopardize us again, I don't think my weak heart can take it. I may break down and die and if I don't, my heart will surely be dead. I'll be numb. Because it's always Dawson first, Pacey second. It's always been that way. But I want a change. I think I deserve a change.   
  
~And teacher   
  
There are things   
  
That I don't want to learn   
  
Oh the last one I had   
  
Made me cry   
  
So I don't want to learn to   
  
Hold you, touch you   
  
Think that you're mine   
  
Because it ain't no joy   
  
For an uptown boy   
  
Whose teacher has told him goodbye  
  
Goodbye, goodbye~   
  
I pull away from the everlasting embrace and stare into her illuminating face. "Jo, why couldn't you have told him the truth?" I whisper to her, knowing the reason she didn't. It's because she didn't want to hurt him. She wanted to spare him, even if that meant hurting me. Damn, that hurts so much to know she did that. To know that she blatantly put him before me. But this is the test. If she could lie to Dawson to spare his feelings, can she do the same for me? Will she lie to me so I won't be hurt? Am I more important to her than Dawson is? I guess her answer will prove it.   
  
~So when you say that you need me   
  
That you'll never leave me   
  
I know you're wrong, you're not that strong   
  
Let me go~  
  
She sniffles and looks up at my eyes. Her lashes are wet with tears and I softly brush my lips over them, telling her that she can tell me anything. Telling her that she can tell me she hates me and I'd still be there for her, no matter how much I hurt. I guess I'm just weak when it comes to her. She makes me so weak that sometimes I want to break down and cry. And sometimes I do. How pathetic is that? I cry. Over her, none the less, while she's out sparing other peoples feelings over mine. I don't mean to sound bitter, but that shit hurts. It's hard to explain how much.   
  
~And teacher   
  
There are things   
  
That I still have to learn   
  
But the one thing I have   
  
Is my pride~  
  
"Pacey…" she starts, her voice shaking and her brows knit together. Her teeth slowly worry on her bottom lip. And I don't know whether to get mad at her or to feel loved.   
  
That's her lying face.   
  
~Oh, so I don't want to hold you, touch you   
  
Think that you're mine   
  
Because there ain't no joy   
  
For an uptown boy~   
  
"I guess it just came out." She told me. "I was hanging with Dawson all day, and everything just seemed so normal. I guess it came out because everything that day was so…familiar to me. It was how it used to be, before I lost my virginity to you." She stopped crying now and she's just sniffing. She just lied to me to spare my feelings. She doesn't want to hurt me. And as much as it hurts me, it doesn't hurt me at the same time. Maybe she does love me as much as she does Dawson. And maybe one day, she may love me more. Hopefully. But until she can spare my feelings over Dawson's, I'll always feel like she doesn't love me enough. My heart will always be cold within.   
  
~Who just isn't willing to try   
  
I'm so cold   
  
Inside~   
  
But until then, I have to take her back, because what am I without her? I'm nothing. And maybe one day, she'll change.   
  
~Maybe just one more try…~  
  
******   
  
So, what do you think? 


End file.
